pointless

it all seems abit pointless right now.
everything
im not really eating - dont care
the only person i have to talk to his my beloved girlfriend
when im not at work im alone
i have no dreams anymore or abitions
its just effort.
and for wat oneday i mght own a car or house and work till death?
what the point in earning anything its all going to be taken away
its just
pointless

slipping

im slolwey slipping. i have been good for awhile, have lost count,
but yesterday i slept nearly all day was up for what 4 hours maybe more. today i got woken up and actully got up. sitting here nearly in tears and i feel very alone.
I have left the forum for awhile to see how things go. but i feel alone without it. i dont know where or who to tunr to. i dont even know whats wrong i feel very emotional. scared, angry and abit confused.
i
meh i dont even know what to say anymore

excuse me?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I'm sitthing here listning the the album chaotic resolve by plumb, a few songs on here i can relate to greatly helps me calm down.

things were looking okay for a few days, people seemed happier when i talked online. but its so easy to lie on msn to makes things seem ok when there not. maybe i was kidding everything

I'm not okay. really need to sleep soon have to work in the morning.
not coping wel with the fact veryone is moving to uni. going back to college. so of course when m not at work and stuck at home there will be noone online ever. not intell late.
dad works most days 12:30-9:00 so im alone for most they day. have to go to the doctors this week.
i say have losley, i dont have to. but i said to my girlfriend.
feel let down my a certain forum for the way they deals with things aswell. not sure its safe there anymore.

i feel very close to cutting tonight but i will try my best to resist that urge in my arm which screams at me so.

I dunno. nothing horrible is happening yet i feel so bogged down, the shadow of depression i guess :(.

sorry just needed to get somethings down.
Shrew
EoZ

bleh!

so im very angry right now
H is being in my eyes bullied on a forum, its not fair, there messenging her bringing up bad shite she doent want and prob doesnt need, i feel so useless, i dont want her to suffer because of one mean person. and the forum is rubbish at times dealing wth things like this. why do people have to be so cruel.

on other things. finding it hard not to cut. not may people on msn to distract with. feel unable to sleep for another night.

there is a HUGE spider im unable to kill in my room which i can see clearly.

going to be lnely next week onwards, people wont be online cause of college, people going off to uni.

have no real socail life
dad is demandning money...like i have any anwayway.

everything just sucks, sorry

butterfly fly away

You tucked me in, turned out the light
Kept me safe and sound at night
Little girls depend on things like that

Brushed my teeth and combed my hair
Had to drive me everywhere
You were always there when I looked back

You had to do it all alone
Make a living, make a home
Must have been as hard as it could be

And when I couldn't sleep at night
Scared things wouldn't turn out right
You would hold my hand and sing to me

Caterpillar in the tree
How you wonder who you'll be
Can't go far but you can always dream

Wish you may and wish you might
Don't you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
Butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
Flap your wings now you can't stay
Take those dreams and make them all come true

Butterfly fly away, butterfly fly away
We've been waiting for this day
All along and knowing just what to do
Butterfly, butterfly, butterfly, butterfly fly away

Butterfly fly away
Butterfly fly away

This song made me think. alot of of its true. im angry at him for alot of things. But its just me and him now, he is try, has tried and works hard to keep this roof over our heads. I think i will never let my anger go, but at moments I do see how hard this part year he has tried.

Life is a huge struggle , maybe i will always be the catapplier and never the butterfly but i can dream, fight and survive even if i dont want to.

Im so sad and depressed right now. im crying alot. I hate my life yet at times i love it so.

sorry i might not make much sense but these are the thoughts in my head.

EoZ
Shrew
Daughter.

:(

I have hit the bottom again and i don't know where to go.
everthing just seems to hard. anything is making me sad.
tbh i dont want to be here anymore and i serioulsy doubt many will truley miss me if i vanished.

my cuts hurt like they should now cleaned but not dressed, why dress what will have new cuts thi time tomorrow.

i really dont want any of this anymore and im to afriad to speak out ask for help. i have no where to go. the onley person i see is lisa. the only one who wants me around if she even does.
i feel so rejected and i dont even know why.

im so fucking stupid i know. yet my head does all this stuff

WHY CANT I FUCKING GET OVER IT.

im almost crying again. i so useless.
i dont want to be alone yet i want to push everyone away :(

sorry i really am stupid