The rambling of a sleepless shrew

Ok i hate it when i cant sleep i never know why i cant sleep it just happens from time to time.
i hate it because sometimes i manage to tal myself into the impossible like the fact im not actully real or there is no such thing as life, you should read what i write in my dairy xD

anyway. one of these thoughts that has come into my head is happiness, it isnt really thee, its like a gift , you know people have a writting gift or a music gift, happiness is a gift not all of us born with it and have to earn it like practice, is life practice, and some are born with it but lose it because they forget, who knows i dont its just a thought because im not happy i havent had real true happiness for may years and i alway try to think when and where i lost it. ye i am so very happy when with my freinds but as soon as them the light leaves im left within my own darkness again.

think shrew. think EoZ. where did you lose it when did it leave. and where and when will i find it again....................

truth i think i know when i lost it. i was 7 years old. She moved away. i was alone at school and even when not i never really fitted in, i fell out with the others felt so trapped. alone. I cried a hell of alot ( god why does the song sleep play now). I creied because they would shout at me ( teachers)

Nothing changed for the first half of middle school i didnt really made freinds in my class and when i did with the popular girls i had to prove myself which when i look back was bullyig, why should one prove themselves, you should accept who i am.
Year 6 was not to bad, one thng all the way back then i was into anime so i went to school with te pokemon cads and the digivice that year was the beyblade i made freind with year 8's it was real fun real accptence, but year 7 they were gon , but cazz came we were freinds years befoe that we played alot but she got her own freind etc, yea 8 was good i had cazz, natz and i met hannah still a good freind now also bullied its amazing how close we got in such a short space of time, we got to be in the same clas in high school aswell :D.

high school wasnt to bad but hen i moved from my house of 1 years my sadness crept up on me. one night when my parents argued i didnt cry like normal beat myself instead guess you could say thats my first SH it was long after that i took a broken ruller and started to scrcth mysef sore. i didnt cut for along time, alot of the hight school years are a big blur for me , h god long ramble pause i hink

I sit here in near tears, i always say the wring things because im stupid i dont think for that i deserve nothing.

i wish to cut, i wish to cut so badly, i feel like im being eaten up by a dark whole, a darkness that clings to me and i cant handle it.

i wish i could talk to my freinds tell them how o fet, but im faird of what they will say to me.

when i feel so alone who can i turn to who will listen?

not sure

I'm not to sure to what im feeling right now.
I'm feeling very emotional, i feel very alone.
I dont know why i feel any of this but i dont like it.

thoughts

I have nothing agasint a dead man, i wont deny his stardom and i wont deny his faults but once its been said i dont need the whole world to go OMG he is dead. everytime im on twitter or facebook thats all i see. ok then said move on what are you doing today? its sad i know but there is more to do then go on about him. let him rest , will he become like elvis an undying man in our hearts, what did he really do, he made some really good songs (to others not a fan) he made some good music videos like thriller. but he wasnt jon lennon who with others changed music forever.
I know blogging about it is giving into the media but thats what i dred how the media may either be sad for his death and give him peice or if all the dirt will come out as he is dragged thorugh the mud.

sorry my rant is over i may have more to say. so yes R.I.P MJ

shrew

and so i have posted some of the final college pictures i have. over the two years i have 100's i never thought we would have so many, from our mac,phones and mikes camrea new and old, then i got one to! i hope to keep collecting images, makes it seems more real.

i havent cut in the past 2 weeks, maybe because of college? its hard to say really all i know is i feel alot lighter now im out of college.

i hope this summer will be good i really do , i dont want any serious pressure because i know i cant cope.

Shrew
xx

I want to be thin again i have gone from a uk 10 - 16 thats THREE! fucking dress sizes and i feel fucking awful, dont want to eat uch put probs will for comfort, im determind to lose weight this summer no matter what. did works 5-6 days a week so i dont even have to eat and he wont really know. well i will eat abit but not to much , i will walk alot, keep water handy aswell , will pucjh myself at work. i really want to be pretty and thin, everyone else around me is. and im the big black blarg plodding along behind them :'( seriosuly why am i the fat one guess i always have bin and always will , i cant even wear normal close without my ass half way out into the road. god im ugly sorry
fat rant over now

And so i have finished college, it was stressful oh very much so but now its all over, like it never happend but i have so many pictures so its proof it did, its like going to a big event you get excited about gyou go but after you come home its like it never happend. but it did, i met mike and psyniac those two are the only reason i stayed sometimes, when i wanted to pack it in, give up, there freindship make me get out of bed.
I live for my freinds and some of my family, without them i would have nothing, i never want to hurt them, killing myself would hurt them to much, it hurts them seeing me cry. thats a memory that stays with me t this day over a year ago when things were rough i cried, i cried so much, i dont know why but i did, i was taken to the gallery sean sat me down, as did dave but when i didnt stop they got them two im so sorry for what i put them throgh not just that day but everyother day i just complained, gave up or acted stupid, but that day when they had to watch me cry must of been so horrible for them, so im sorry.
I stopped crying and promised mysekf to never have another day like that infront of them again, i was low many times but i never talked to them about it, i dont know if they would care or not about my nothings, i will never know now. i dont want to be i there way.
My greatest fear now i have finished college is loosing all the freinds i have made in the last two years. I dont know what lies ahead yet and that in itself scares the hell out of me. Its hurts so much when i loose a freind.
If either of you read this i really am sorry for who i am, the bad parts of me, i dunno what the good are right now.

sorry

xx

and so to day is the final final day , no extensions no excuses it must all be dn7one, its going to be hard stuff i know it but i had best not get destracted or let my meotions play with me , that would not do.

The thing is i am emotional its an emotional time for me, probs only me but hey im an odd one. i planned to hard yesterday but didint in the end, the stress is buildding up and i need that release but i mustnt i want to staop yet i feel i never will rthe urges to cut are stong. have to leve for college pretty soon aswell. =/ must think its going to be ok or i will fall down.


best go befre i start blabbering

EoZ xx

gah!

i dont even know what to say anymore

kinda giving up slowly right now

sorry im boring

tomorrow

nearly two years have passed since i started my national diploma in media btec. and tomorrow its over. finished. the end. its sad, stressed,happy and sorrowful. i dont know what the others feel but this is what i feel. i worry for tmorrow for the sadness relief. i dont want it to end yet i cant wait for it to end. so many mixed emotions its abit crazy. i still have alot to do to finish but im sure it will get done, i hope so thats for sure.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH OMFG ITS ENDING ENDING! tomorrow is it :'( i reallt cant belive it.

Eoz xx

Rain

i love the rain. its cold down the buring rage for sometime , makes me think deep.
i dont really underrstand whats going on.. but i know its not ok.
sorry

time

ok two post in one day im bored and losing my mind maybe be both.

im just thinking about the last two years and how much things have changed. sentimental me. im full of joy, sorrow and doubt because of it.

two years ago i was so happy i had passed by first btec and scared of the next step i went in spet shy clining to others but then one lunch time i spent it with mike i cant rmeber what i first thought of him. psyniac however i rmeber, i thought he looked kool sitting there in his rammstein hoodie, good music choice i thought xD mill street was magical times i was abit up myself abit because i already knew the staff thought i was better but im not. mill street were some of the best times i think. everyone likes everyone then, its weird how groups form and how people fall out. we became the cathead early on and have been ever since. the second year if the course things dulled alittle i think but we were still a group, people change taste change. the class is still divided but its a larger clump of people.

Its always a worry of what will happen when we leave some people i wouldnt care if i never saw them again but some of them have changed me, given me such happy times and i want to stay in contact with them still see them

Im so happy i met mike and psyniac what i fear ost is lonleyness. i know im not smart or pretty. i know im selfish, annoying and over dramtic also over emotional but they stayed with me there still talking to me and sharing these last days with me.

i never want t let this feeling go. from making freinds with these two i have branched onto making new freinds.

i dont want it to end. dont let this end im afraid of whats next, im not ready for the next step but even if i dont get to uni i will be moving unable to see any of them :'( i dont want to lose anyone i cant bare it.

why do i lose everyone......

today and yesterday and maybe for more days to come.

all i can say right now is im not ok. i admit that , thats the first step right? admitting there is a problem.

i broke down yesterday over nothing, no trigger i just started to cry i got so anry i started to beat myself up , threw a plate which of course broke told dad it was accident. how do you tell your dad how sad you are how pointless you see life is right now? its to hard and would hurt them to much thats the last thing i want to do to people is hurt them.

felt horrible all day , lost intrest infood feel sick and dont want what i have eaten in me still but i wont give in and be sick i dont want to get even more ill that would be stupid, well im stupid anyway but yea sorry so full of slepf hate.

im looking at my hands typing but i dont feel likes it me im not even thinking there just moving on there own typing away.

im very angry i dont know why i am , think i best go, think im going to start crying again. oops sorry readers bye.