The rambling of a sleepless shrew

Ok i hate it when i cant sleep i never know why i cant sleep it just happens from time to time.
i hate it because sometimes i manage to tal myself into the impossible like the fact im not actully real or there is no such thing as life, you should read what i write in my dairy xD

anyway. one of these thoughts that has come into my head is happiness, it isnt really thee, its like a gift , you know people have a writting gift or a music gift, happiness is a gift not all of us born with it and have to earn it like practice, is life practice, and some are born with it but lose it because they forget, who knows i dont its just a thought because im not happy i havent had real true happiness for may years and i alway try to think when and where i lost it. ye i am so very happy when with my freinds but as soon as them the light leaves im left within my own darkness again.

think shrew. think EoZ. where did you lose it when did it leave. and where and when will i find it again....................

truth i think i know when i lost it. i was 7 years old. She moved away. i was alone at school and even when not i never really fitted in, i fell out with the others felt so trapped. alone. I cried a hell of alot ( god why does the song sleep play now). I creied because they would shout at me ( teachers)

Nothing changed for the first half of middle school i didnt really made freinds in my class and when i did with the popular girls i had to prove myself which when i look back was bullyig, why should one prove themselves, you should accept who i am.
Year 6 was not to bad, one thng all the way back then i was into anime so i went to school with te pokemon cads and the digivice that year was the beyblade i made freind with year 8's it was real fun real accptence, but year 7 they were gon , but cazz came we were freinds years befoe that we played alot but she got her own freind etc, yea 8 was good i had cazz, natz and i met hannah still a good freind now also bullied its amazing how close we got in such a short space of time, we got to be in the same clas in high school aswell :D.

high school wasnt to bad but hen i moved from my house of 1 years my sadness crept up on me. one night when my parents argued i didnt cry like normal beat myself instead guess you could say thats my first SH it was long after that i took a broken ruller and started to scrcth mysef sore. i didnt cut for along time, alot of the hight school years are a big blur for me , h god long ramble pause i hink